You know when you've said something that's come back to bite you pretty hard on the ass...it happened to me pretty badly last night. I'm a bitchy person and I know that. But I think it really hit home yesterday when someone finally confronted me with some passing snarky remark I had made a couple of months ago about them. I deserved it. I totally did. It was humiliating and I felt terrible that I had said it. The worst thing that I tried to ignore is that did I only start to feel bad when I was confronted about it? That it was the regret of them hearing about it rather than actually being upset at myself that I said it? In that situation, I played dumb and apologised profusely while the red colour slowly made its way up my neck and onto my horrified face.

This immediately made me regret every bitchy thing I have ever said and wondered just how much of that had gotten back to the person I was talking about. And now I feel like I should go on a massive bitch detox and try my hardest not to be so intentionally cruel and snide to people that probably really doesn't deserve this kind of crap. New leaf? Probably not, but I'll try not to be such a bitch next time.  

I think I've come to the realisation that I'd rather live without an active social life. Maybe it's a part of becoming older, but I really cannot be bothered keeping up with a dozen friends at a time. Or maybe it's my natural introverted personality being very happy with a quiet life. I've realised coming into working in a career that really requires social skills that I can't seem to do it effortlessly. And it gives me headaches. To be that bubbly person for one day who does not have one ounce of social anxiety would be amazing to experience. I wish I was naturally bubbly, naturally social. Life would be about a thousand times easier. Instead of having to go through the long process of getting to know people before I can open up. It's tiring. It's an effort when I don't really want to be friends. I'm never there to make only shallow friendships, which is shit because that would be easy. And people don't seem to get that you're either a very close friend or not a friend at all. Acquaintances are strangers. I don't like small talk. I don't like laughing politely at the small talk. I'm not equipped with the skills to pretend to be interested in your life.   

Tomorrow's going to be a bad day. 

It's been a long year. I don't want to admit it but at this point I think I'd rather be at uni than at home. I guess it comes down to me needing to get used to this life again. 

It's the last three weeks of Wagga, and the realisation has definitely hit me. Four years since I've been here, four years since I started this personal blog to talk about my 'adventures' away from home. Is it sad that there is a part of me that feels like I have a life here now? That it took four years for it to happen, and now it's already over. It's not like I'll even be graduating just yet, but it's never going to be like this ever again in any of our lives. None of us are ever going to live together like this for four years, depending only on each other, as replacement for families and friends back at home. The feeling right now is depressing. Incredibly depressing. 

How close is too close?

I legitimately feel like I'm navigating my early 20's with friends on some tv show.