You know when you've said something that's come back to bite you pretty hard on the ass...it happened to me pretty badly last night. I'm a bitchy person and I know that. But I think it really hit home yesterday when someone finally confronted me with some passing snarky remark I had made a couple of months ago about them. I deserved it. I totally did. It was humiliating and I felt terrible that I had said it. The worst thing that I tried to ignore is that did I only start to feel bad when I was confronted about it? That it was the regret of them hearing about it rather than actually being upset at myself that I said it? In that situation, I played dumb and apologised profusely while the red colour slowly made its way up my neck and onto my horrified face.

This immediately made me regret every bitchy thing I have ever said and wondered just how much of that had gotten back to the person I was talking about. And now I feel like I should go on a massive bitch detox and try my hardest not to be so intentionally cruel and snide to people that probably really doesn't deserve this kind of crap. New leaf? Probably not, but I'll try not to be such a bitch next time.  

I think I've come to the realisation that I'd rather live without an active social life. Maybe it's a part of becoming older, but I really cannot be bothered keeping up with a dozen friends at a time. Or maybe it's my natural introverted personality being very happy with a quiet life. I've realised coming into working in a career that really requires social skills that I can't seem to do it effortlessly. And it gives me headaches. To be that bubbly person for one day who does not have one ounce of social anxiety would be amazing to experience. I wish I was naturally bubbly, naturally social. Life would be about a thousand times easier. Instead of having to go through the long process of getting to know people before I can open up. It's tiring. It's an effort when I don't really want to be friends. I'm never there to make only shallow friendships, which is shit because that would be easy. And people don't seem to get that you're either a very close friend or not a friend at all. Acquaintances are strangers. I don't like small talk. I don't like laughing politely at the small talk. I'm not equipped with the skills to pretend to be interested in your life.   

Tomorrow's going to be a bad day. 

It's been a long year. I don't want to admit it but at this point I think I'd rather be at uni than at home. I guess it comes down to me needing to get used to this life again. 

It's the last three weeks of Wagga, and the realisation has definitely hit me. Four years since I've been here, four years since I started this personal blog to talk about my 'adventures' away from home. Is it sad that there is a part of me that feels like I have a life here now? That it took four years for it to happen, and now it's already over. It's not like I'll even be graduating just yet, but it's never going to be like this ever again in any of our lives. None of us are ever going to live together like this for four years, depending only on each other, as replacement for families and friends back at home. The feeling right now is depressing. Incredibly depressing. 

How close is too close?

I legitimately feel like I'm navigating my early 20's with friends on some tv show. 

It's funny that a friend, who is ironically not a friend anymore, once said to me that people we meet once or for a period of time will appear back in our lives if they are meant to. I was talking to her about how I've met a lot of people who I've gotten along with so well, for example on placement, spent hours everyday with them to have to abruptly leave. Maybe it's the 80 year old sentimental elderly person in me that makes me sad that I lose these people, especially when we could easily be good friends. Is this what adulthood is?!

I think I'm making a big mistake somewhere. 

Feeling strangely sentimental tonight.

You know how you always make a promise to yourself to try harder every year after a horrible exam period so that the next exam period won't be horrible?

WHY DON'T I KEEP THOSE PROMISES TO MYSELF?!

I have a lot of amusement at the fact that everyone has the same story of the first day of being left here in Wagga. Every single story so far has been them sitting in their room, either crying or trying not to cry because they felt lonely with no friends in a strange new place. It's funny to think that there were people feeling miserable and alone, all at the exact same time, believing that it was only them. 

So instead of going out last night to celebrate passing my exam, the housemates and I ended up buying dessert and fries from McDonald's, came home and ate that, opened bottles of Midori and Gin and watched 'I shouldn't be alive' on late night tv. Then I fell asleep early. It was quite a different scenario I had in my head about going 'white girl crazy' (Alannah's term, not mine) if I passed my exam. It kind of made me realise how we're all getting a bit old for that kind of scene, even though I can barely say that I was ever part of it in the first place. It's just a bit disappointing that I'm never quite into having a crazy night, stemming from either the age thing or a personality thing. I want to have something I can pinpoint when I'm middle-aged, and say that 'at least I had fun in my youth' kind of thing. 

I understand now why some people choose to disappear, even though it's one of the most selfish things you could do. I get why people start a new life in a place where no one knows them, no one knows their name or what kind of person they are. I've always thought it's been such a foreign concept until recently. I don't want to disappear or anything terrible like that, it's just that I've developed a better understanding of why people do it. 

It's been six weeks since I've gone home, and I'm starting to feel the crazy coming out from being away for so long. It's going to be another three weeks before I do, and I am so sick of all the places I've studied at. What's driving me crazier is the urge to see/study with people contradicting my need to be alone. I just want a break from all the shit from uni and people here. 

Is it crazy that I want to do something incredibly reckless before I leave Wagga? Before I go back to parents and restrictions of when and who I can bring home? Why not right? 

Fuckity fuck, I was right about the mistake in agreeing to help. Fuck. I hope he doesn't get fired.

Something tells me I'm going to regret helping Louise out for her uni club. 

I think I'm starting to look forward to next year. Have I really come to terms with it, or am I going to lose my mind when I least expect it? I was in deep thought before while I was showering (as you do) and I was thinking about all the opportunities I'll have next year. An entire year at home with (hopefully) one subject, where I'm not quite in the workforce and not quite at university anymore. I'll maybe have time to do the kind of shit that I've always wanted to, without school work encumbering. Technically it really should be the other way around, but whatever. Maybe it'll be the gap year I've never had, and the break that I've always wanted. Still doubtful though...am I really okay with it?

In hindsight, I think I accidentally hit on a gay man.