Tomorrow's going to be a bad day. 

It's been a long year. I don't want to admit it but at this point I think I'd rather be at uni than at home. I guess it comes down to me needing to get used to this life again. 

It's the last three weeks of Wagga, and the realisation has definitely hit me. Four years since I've been here, four years since I started this personal blog to talk about my 'adventures' away from home. Is it sad that there is a part of me that feels like I have a life here now? That it took four years for it to happen, and now it's already over. It's not like I'll even be graduating just yet, but it's never going to be like this ever again in any of our lives. None of us are ever going to live together like this for four years, depending only on each other, as replacement for families and friends back at home. The feeling right now is depressing. Incredibly depressing. 

How close is too close?

I legitimately feel like I'm navigating my early 20's with friends on some tv show. 

It's funny that a friend, who is ironically not a friend anymore, once said to me that people we meet once or for a period of time will appear back in our lives if they are meant to. I was talking to her about how I've met a lot of people who I've gotten along with so well, for example on placement, spent hours everyday with them to have to abruptly leave. Maybe it's the 80 year old sentimental elderly person in me that makes me sad that I lose these people, especially when we could easily be good friends. Is this what adulthood is?!

I think I'm making a big mistake somewhere. 

Feeling strangely sentimental tonight.

You know how you always make a promise to yourself to try harder every year after a horrible exam period so that the next exam period won't be horrible?

WHY DON'T I KEEP THOSE PROMISES TO MYSELF?!

I have a lot of amusement at the fact that everyone has the same story of the first day of being left here in Wagga. Every single story so far has been them sitting in their room, either crying or trying not to cry because they felt lonely with no friends in a strange new place. It's funny to think that there were people feeling miserable and alone, all at the exact same time, believing that it was only them. 

So instead of going out last night to celebrate passing my exam, the housemates and I ended up buying dessert and fries from McDonald's, came home and ate that, opened bottles of Midori and Gin and watched 'I shouldn't be alive' on late night tv. Then I fell asleep early. It was quite a different scenario I had in my head about going 'white girl crazy' (Alannah's term, not mine) if I passed my exam. It kind of made me realise how we're all getting a bit old for that kind of scene, even though I can barely say that I was ever part of it in the first place. It's just a bit disappointing that I'm never quite into having a crazy night, stemming from either the age thing or a personality thing. I want to have something I can pinpoint when I'm middle-aged, and say that 'at least I had fun in my youth' kind of thing. 

I understand now why some people choose to disappear, even though it's one of the most selfish things you could do. I get why people start a new life in a place where no one knows them, no one knows their name or what kind of person they are. I've always thought it's been such a foreign concept until recently. I don't want to disappear or anything terrible like that, it's just that I've developed a better understanding of why people do it. 

It's been six weeks since I've gone home, and I'm starting to feel the crazy coming out from being away for so long. It's going to be another three weeks before I do, and I am so sick of all the places I've studied at. What's driving me crazier is the urge to see/study with people contradicting my need to be alone. I just want a break from all the shit from uni and people here. 

Is it crazy that I want to do something incredibly reckless before I leave Wagga? Before I go back to parents and restrictions of when and who I can bring home? Why not right? 

Fuckity fuck, I was right about the mistake in agreeing to help. Fuck. I hope he doesn't get fired.

Something tells me I'm going to regret helping Louise out for her uni club. 

I think I'm starting to look forward to next year. Have I really come to terms with it, or am I going to lose my mind when I least expect it? I was in deep thought before while I was showering (as you do) and I was thinking about all the opportunities I'll have next year. An entire year at home with (hopefully) one subject, where I'm not quite in the workforce and not quite at university anymore. I'll maybe have time to do the kind of shit that I've always wanted to, without school work encumbering. Technically it really should be the other way around, but whatever. Maybe it'll be the gap year I've never had, and the break that I've always wanted. Still doubtful though...am I really okay with it?

In hindsight, I think I accidentally hit on a gay man. 

Three of us sitting at the library.
Me: Who here has the shittiest life?
*wordlessly, each of us raises our hand*

I realised that this is the longest blog that I've kept thus far. What if everyone I knew stumbled on it? I don't think I've shared anything on here that I wouldn't in real life. Not recently, anyway. I just had a thought that there are probably people I know that would be surprised that I've even kept a blog, and not told them about it. And it's probably because I don't think I feel comfortable with them reading it, and that just contradicts what I said before. I don't know... pointless musing over. 

People just suck the luck out of others, I swear to bloody god. 

What pisses me off is that there are just some people who are consistently lucky in every aspect of their life. It's childish to think this, sure, but how do people just get their way like that? I failed my second round of three tests and I was one of the few that did. One guy was able to talk himself out of it and they granted him a pass so he doesn't have to sit the third time.

My friend who did not study for an exam last year was completely and utterly screwed, until she turned up on the day of the exam and they had forgotten to record that she was doing the exam so she has gotten an extra six months to study for it.

A girl in my year who is a complete idiot has managed to pass every subject into her fourth year. Maybe she isn't an idiot after all...

Is it my lack of motivation? Is it karma? Probably. Some things just don't come easily to some people, and I've noticed that with people around me too. Hold on tight, cause we're all in this shit-ride together. 

Brutal week.

Actually, brutal few months.

Years.

Fuck ya.

Not feeling so great at the moment. Just emailed my lecturer about my exam to see if I've passed the subject. If not, I'll be back a year. Scared.

The level of neurosis has increased about ten fold with everyone as they've progressed through this bloody course. 

Second week back into uni and it's already been a tiny bit cray. The new house didn't have gas for three days so we had to shower at uni. It was first year all over again, just not as sad because I went with my two other roommates and we had fun sneaking in. I wasn't that 18 year old fresh out of high school, wallowing in self pity and showering with dead bugs anymore. It was more like everything had come full circle, like I had escaped from the ghetto and became rich, bringing my documentary tv crew back with me. 'This was where my single mother and my 10 brothers and sisters and I slept.' *points to one bedroom apartment*.  Not as dramatic, but it made me cornily reflect on how far everything's come, and that this is possibly my very last year here. I know I'll look back at these years with a lot of affection. Bit of a startling realisation, but I don't regret coming out here.

Moving into a new house was a bit of a bitch, setting things up and also the fact that it's about 15 minutes away from uni. Shouldn't complain really, but that's far in Wagga kilometers. Being right next to a highway has a lot more cons, let's say than pros. If any pros for that at all. We have a next door neighbour, Scott, who's in the army and is based here at the moment. He's come over at least three times now, meeting each of us each time. He's in his early 30's and lives by himself with his dog. He asked Wendy to feed his dog for him a couple of days ago, and that was all fine. This afternoon he came by again and this time Cailin, my third roommate answered the door. He gave us a thank-you gift for feeding his dog. It was all a bit weird, particularly because he gave us three bottles of wine, and said he got one for each of us. Wendy didn't do much but just take food out for one morning for his dog. Wendy was particularly weirded out, especially cause we are all kind of getting the sense that he has developed a bit of a keen interest in us. Anyway, we're just seeing how it will pan out for the rest of the year.

All in all, it's shaping out to be a pretty interesting year I think. Sheenal's coming back this weekend to visit, and that will be good cause she always brings drama with her. Excited to have conversations about nothing with her again.

Should study, seeing as I have a game-changing exam on Wednesday.... wish me luck. A lot please.

Not saying that I want to stay back another year at uni, but I am so not ready to become a Pharmacist. If I really do graduate at the end of this year, the thought of starting work in less than 10 months scares the crap out of me. Wish I could eat my textbooks and miraculously remember everything.  

Fuck this shit, I'm fucking out of this friendship. I have never been this upset at someone in my life, with this intensity and for this duration. She just doesn't understand and she doesn't try to understand. At this point of knowing her she should know me better. You can make mistakes but not something like this and then completely ignore me. She just fucking doesn't understand and it's not worth it. She can go fuck herself. She just doesn't get it. One hundred million times over. Fuck her.